Wednesday, January 15, 2014

I Just Don't Get It.

It's been a while, so I thought I'd fill you in on the random stuff that runs around in my brain these days, kind of like a catch-up phone call. Not that I have time to call you.
Now that my son is almost 3(!), I spend a lot of time exhaustedly sitting in one place while he dances around me like a dervish on speed. Even if I had the energy, I wouldn't want to get in his way, for fear of getting my tender parts winged. To attempt to maintain control of my life, I'm keeping a running list of things that mystify me about parenting one of these people and thought I'd share:
1. The kid that, while we're in the same room, maintains a minimum distance of 4' from me at all times, desperately rattles the door knob, calling, "Mama, where HAR you?! Knock, knock!" if I try to use the bathroom alone, with the door closed.
2. Bubbles blown into the air are the best ever; worthy of hours of chasing and cries of joy. Bubbles, disguised as bath suds, are evil, flesh-eating monsters, intent to kill and destroy.
3. Why doesn't a 103° fever slow a toddler down? 99.9° puts me in a coma for a week.
4. If I pooped my pants and someone offered to clean it up for me, I'd be happy to let them.
I think.
5. He won't eat delicious chicken and veggies, but chalk? Yuumm...
6. To my knowledge, I've never offered my child food that was actually disgusting or inedible, but he still expresses a good deal of anxiety over the first bite of a new food. Usually, either Mama or Daddy has to try it first, a la royal food tasters, to prove it's not poisoned.
7. Why is two drops of milk dribbled on his shirt intolerable, but a full cup poured on my rug is just fine?
8. Why is it that I bolt up, wide awake, when I hear a terrified sob come from his room in the middle of the night, but when I rush in to check on him, he's sleeping soundly? #hestryingtokillme
9. Tantrums: WHAT does a person with no responsibilities, who has every need anticipated for him, have to be so upset about???
10. If you have the presence of mind to hide when it's time to poop, why not just grab an adult and ask to be put on the pot, instead?
 See what I mean??
That's enough from me for now. Got any toddler mysteries to add? Feel free to leave a comment. Supposedly, there's strength in numbers. Maybe together we can beat them! 

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