On Reviewing Blog Stats

1. People use some scary search criteria that takes them to blogs, but it hasn't escaped me that this reflects as poorly on the writer as it does on the searcher/reader.

2. Obsessively checking my blog stats increases my page views. I know this and yet I still get excited when the number goes up by one. Though it's me. I'm the one. I think I need an intervention.

3. Before the internet and social media, I considered myself a pretty private person. Now, I'm strangely okay that someone in Southeast Asia knows that I'm an insomniac with trust issues.

4. I will likely never "monetize" my blog, because if I don't make any money, I'll have to admit to myself that my life is too boring for commerce. I don't know about you, but I can't afford the self-esteem hit.

5. Labels, like hashtags and certain well-placed swear words, draw attention to what you want to be seen or heard. #wheninromepressthepoundkey

99...100!

Conversation today, between me and my man:

me: I read somewhere that the islands of Okinawa in Japan have the highest number of centenarians per head in the world.

MM: oh, yeah?

me: Yeah, they've got a lot of people who live to be over 100 years old.

MM: Huh; I wonder why?

me: They say it's their diet. Maybe the secret is a lot of tofu and, I don't know, kelp?

MM: Maybe they're on to something.

[later]

MM (as he watches me slather a cup of mayonnaise on the chicken dish I was making): We're not gonna live as long as the Okinawans, are we?

me: Probably not, babe. Sorry.

I Just Don't Get It.

It's been a while, so I thought I'd fill you in on the random stuff that runs around in my brain these days, kind of like a catch-up phone call. Not that I have time to call you.

 

Now that my son is almost 3(!), I spend a lot of time exhaustedly sitting in one place while he dances around me like a dervish on speed. Even if I had the energy, I wouldn't want to get in his way, for fear of getting my tender parts winged. To attempt to maintain control of my life, I'm keeping a running list of things that mystify me about parenting one of these people and thought I'd share:

 

1. The kid that, while we're in the same room, maintains a minimum distance of 4' from me at all times, desperately rattles the door knob, calling, "Mama, where HAR you?! Knock, knock!" if I try to use the bathroom alone, with the door closed.

 

2. Bubbles blown into the air are the best ever; worthy of hours of chasing and cries of joy. Bubbles, disguised as bath suds, are evil, flesh-eating monsters, intent to kill and destroy.

 

3. Why doesn't a 103° fever slow a toddler down? 99.9° puts me in a coma for a week.

 

4. If I pooped my pants and someone offered to clean it up for me, I'd be happy to let them.

 

I think.

 

Hmm...

 

5. He won't eat delicious chicken and veggies, but chalk? Yuumm...

 

6. To my knowledge, I've never offered my child food that was actually disgusting or inedible, but he still expresses a good deal of anxiety over the first bite of a new food. Usually, either Mama or Daddy has to try it first, a la royal food tasters, to prove it's not poisoned.

 

7. Why is two drops of milk dribbled on his shirt intolerable, but a full cup poured on my rug is just fine?

 

8. Why is it that I bolt up, wide awake, when I hear a terrified sob come from his room in the middle of the night, but when I rush in to check on him, he's sleeping soundly? #hestryingtokillme

 

9. Tantrums: WHAT does a person with no responsibilities, who has every need anticipated for him, have to be so upset about???

 

10. If you have the presence of mind to hide when it's time to poop, why not just grab an adult and ask to be put on the pot, instead?

 See what I mean??

That's enough from me for now. Got any toddler mysteries to add? Feel free to leave a comment. Supposedly, there's strength in numbers. Maybe together we can beat them!