He
writes:
Dear Leida (Abby),
I am the father of a child that likes to get up at five
every morning for "dad payers". He will go back to sleep but then
oversleeps and makes us both late. LOL... As I said, I'm exploiting him, so I choose to take this as a request for advice. You are welcome.
Dear, “P’ayers”:
Ah, yes...the pre-dawn “dad payer” sneak attack. I know
it well. And I know you, too.
This little cupie doll has you wrapped around his finger,
what with all the eyelashes, and bed head, and cuddles, and “p'aying.” He knows your weak spots and it
looks like prayer is one of them. I can relate—my kid knows the only time I
will let him play with my phone if he asks to use the Bible app on there. *shrug*
#faithfulparenting. Your son knows you haven’t awakened to natural light
since he figured out how to pole vault out of his crib. By the time sunlight
shines through your windows, your little negotiator has worn you down with a
list of inane demands, until he finally lands on one that will win you over. You run 15 to 30 minutes behind schedule every
morning because, after you finally give in and let him stay in your bed, you
fall deeply asleep 20 minutes before your alarm is set to go off and sleep
through the damned thing, every.single.day. And we all know there is no more
satisfying slumber than that of the vanquished. It’s Stockholm Syndrome, for
sure, but who cares when it feels so good?
Let’s keep it real. On your own, you don't stand a chance
against him, and I can bet your wife is as susceptible to him as you are, so
she’s no help. But take heart, I’m here. I’ve developed a tough, outer shell to
these tactics and I’m not currently within smelling distance of your child (they smell delicious when they’re all
sleep-warm, don’t they?) Ahem, anyway, I’m impervious to his charm. I
might be your only hope. Follow these three, tried-and-true tips and you’ll see
your way to waking up when your alarm actually goes off in the morning, again.
Maybe you’ll even make it to the office in time to get a seat at the conference
table for staff meeting, instead of skulking in and sitting in the back corner of
the room with the Starbucks you just had to
stop for. Crazier things have happened.
Anyway, here’s what I suggest. Medical disclaimer: none of this will work.
1. Kick him out of
your bed. It’s not time to wake up, and he needs to respect that.
Why won’t this work? He can’t tell time. He’s been asleep
for 9 hours already and is too young (read: selfish) to care that you haven’t.
He’s rested; therefore it’s time to party! He also has cunning. Much like a
snooze timer, he will let you nod off for 4 ½ minutes, then shock you awake
with requests to go pee in the potty, to sit in his high chair and have cereal
(that he won’t eat), and the holy grail, a yelp of pain that catapults you out
of bed and to his side, where you discover he was actually making that noise to
simulate pain in one of his stuffed animals that he was hitting in the head
with a train car. This pattern he will repeat until you accept defeat and get
up to join him in his pre-dawn shenanigans.
2. Give him what
he wants, the first time he asks. Maybe that’ll placate him so you can go back
to sleep.
Why won’t this work? You give him an inch, he’ll take a
mile. If he can get milk at 5 am on the first try, his pre-frontal cortex will
cattle prod the little hamster in there on its wheel (I’m sure that’s how and
where decisions are made—do not doubt me), making him wonder, “what else can I
get out of this guy right now?” It’s a slippery slope from there. If you’re not
careful, you’ll end up giving him your room, where he will relax, in your bed with your wife, eating dry cereal on your
pillow, and watching Super Why on your iPad.
Meanwhile, you’ll be down the hall, trying to steal a precious few more minutes
of sleep in the toddler bed in the nursery.
3. Pull him into
bed with you and commence to “p’aying,” in hopes that he’ll fall asleep once
you’re done, so you can sleep for another hour.
Why won’t this work? Frankly, you’ve got me stumped. From
your letter, it seems you’ve had a degree of success with this tactic, if you
can call being late for all the things every day, success. Some of us have not been
so lucky. We’ve tried this, only to have our kids wiggle, squirm, and punch in
the circle of our arms, turning what was supposed to be a sweet, Gerber-style
hour of spooned sleep into torture. It’s not until we can open our eyes all the
way and our sensory receptors start to register pain (by 11 am, typically) that
we notice the bruises and scratches they’ve left behind. And for our stripes,
did we get any more sleep? No, we did not. SO not worth it, IMO...
What’s this all about? What is it they want, you
ask? I'm only speculating, but my guess is your bed or your
soul. *shrug* Who knows? But there is a bright side! Accept that there’s no way you can
win. He gets what he wants and an
opportunity for a 2 hour nap after lunch, and you get an excuse to drink in the
afternoon.
Cheers!
