Whenever I Can Fit It In

I know.

It's been more than a month since I did one of these. But, you guys, the month of May was so not my fave. First, I (stupidly, and against my will) turned 40. And that's not even the worst thing that happened last month.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

A couple of good things did happen, like both The Bud and Lady had birthdays, so now I have a five year old and a one year old. A kindergartener and a toddler. *sniff* Work had its good and not-so-good moments. Life keeps tripping by, some days, sorely trying my patience and mental fortitude.

Anyway, that's my list of excuses. What I have for you today is some musing, mingled in with some life bloopers, if you will. Enjoy.😚

• Today, I discovered that I'd been wearing one of my shirts backwards since I bought it six months ago. It fits much better the new way.

• I discovered that a lone (but powerfully effective) dingleberry--yes, it's what you think I mean--got washed and dried in a load of laundry. You know the saying, "One bad apple doesn't spoil the whole bunch,"?

One dingleberry does. It really does.

• The other day, I had the thought that if I could invent a pair of women's underwear that kept in line that tiny front butt that shows up sometime after the 2nd kid, without cutting off circulation to one's outer extremities, but that wasn't so flimsy the undies constantly roll down below said front butt, I'd be a millionaire. Then I realized I'd never get around to fleshing out the idea. No pun intended. I'd get distracted trying to inobtrusively (is it in or un??) roll my current underwear back over my tiny front butt while in line someplace inappropriate. Like Starbucks, H&M, the office, or if I'm honest with myself, anyplace outside my personal bathroom.

• I am completely over post-partum boobs. They were a novelty for a while, but now I just really need my shirts to fit.

• If the newborn is now a year old, can I still call them post-partum boobs?

• My five year old is learning how to deal gracefully with disappointment. I don't have the heart to tell him he'll still be working on that in 35 years. Seems mean.

"Monthly" Musings: April 2016

° Today, I decided I liked the degree symbol better than a standard bullet point, so all of my muses will be in farenheit...fairenheit. Farenhiet. Ok, Celcius.

° The Bud is still having occasional pooping difficulties, but we've found a great deal of relief for him in thrice-daily doses of prune juice. His beloved 'purple juice' is keeping him as close to regular and pain-free as I've seen him since we started potty training a year and a half ago. Sugar content, bedamned.

° We have relatively laid back kids, but I swear they turn on us when either Mama or Daddy is parenting alone. The little buggers already know about the weakness of zone defense.  #divideandconquer

° I read somewhere that doing a daily crossword puzzle can improve memory in Alzheimer's sufferers, so now I've got 3 games of Words With Friends going on my phone. I'm hoping it works for mamas, too. #cantrememberwhereileftmymemory

° The book, 'Are You My Mother' is 63 pages long, and is currently The Bud's favorite bedtime story, particularly on nights when I'm exhausted and just want him to go to bed, so I can go to bed. And he knows when I skip pages.

Really, P. D. Eastman?

° Speaking of memory loss, the next couple posts will be from my drafts backlog. Apparently in the last six months or so I've been writing stuff but forgetting to publish what I wrote. #whatever

Monthly Musings: A Year In Review--2015

Boy, have I missed you guys! 2015 was inSANE. With the new baby, the move, and the new job, most days, I didn't (and still don't) know whether I'm coming or going, but my choices are either to write or not to write, so I choose the former. Even with the 4 year old sitting next to me, begging for iPhone access and another piece of chocolate, "pwease, Mommy." I will write and I will like it. Maybe not as much as I like this chocolate, but whatever. This little post is a combo of musings from December to get my feet wet and a state of family affairs to get you back up to speed on the goings on around here. Sit tight and enjoy. You can have some chocolate when you're done reading the entire post.

MUSINGS

• After a month of an unceasing litany of Christmas tunes on the radio, I was disappointed not to have heard every parent's classic favorite: All I Want for Christmas Is An Uninterrupted Nap.

• Relegated to the hottest, itchiest corner of Hell, be the creators of all tiny toys and toys with small component parts--marbles, Legos, pick up sticks, jacks, dinosaurs, soldiers--you name it. Oh, and whoever created toys that require AAA batteries. We never have AAA batteries, so them, too. Straight to Hell.

• Having a baby in the house is like living with a rooster. #getityet?

• I'm up at or before dawn most days, whether I like it or not (note: I do not.), but somehow never manage to be on time for anything. #dichotomy

• My 4 year old mispronounced the word "bloodier," instead saying, "blooder." Do I correct him, or pretend the ghoulish conversation never happened?

UPDATES

The Baby:

is 8 months old and wonderful. She's the smiliest little bit of lovin' you ever did see. We kiss and snuggle her constantly. She's got one tooth and crazy, curly hair, sits up almost completely unassisted, snorts down solid food like a Depression survivor, and has been pushing up to her knees and rocking for about 3 weeks now. Crawling is imminent. #slowdownlittlelady

The House:

is little and cute and perfect for us. We love our new digs. Everybody has his/her own space to fill up with too much stuff and yet we all still manage to spend most of our time in the kitchen. As much as I hate(d) moving, this was a good idea and I'm excited to make memories here. If you're in our neck of the woods, come by and see us. We love visitors! #littlehouseintheburbs

The Bud:

is starting kindergarten in the Fall. My baby. They're taking 3 month olds in kindergarten now, apparently. Also, if it's possible to die of impotent rage, he's killing us, slowly and painfully. As I mentioned, he's sitting next to me, currently getting peanut residue backwash in my water glass, chirping about what a "healthy and awesome" drink water is. My water, not his. His water in his own cup, he hates with a blazing fire. Mama's is the only water worthy of his backwash. I swear there is a conspiracy afoot (perpetuated by other parents who have already fallen for it and want you to suffer, too) to make parents keep children past their expiration dates. Every year of his life, some seasoned parent has earnestly assured me that next year, things will get sooo much better. That if I just hang in there, this year I will get to enjoy the spoils of the war we've waged since he developed a will of his own.

They are dirty liars. They only say that to dupe us into keeping him another year.

Without hyperbole, I can say that he's more frustrating, irritating, willful, tantrumy, whiny, and disobedient at 4 years old than he's ever been. And we couldn't love him more. In spite of it all, we are completely devoted to him, snuggling and kissing him whenever he'll allow it. #chumps

The Job:

is in Sales, for those of you who don't know. Every day is new, and challenging, and exciting. I feel like an idiot most of the time, but I'm grateful for the chance and determined to succeed.

The Baby Weight:

has gone nowhere. I am pissed. And hungry. #dammit

The Artist:

is still a complete hottie, and as it turns out, is quite handy at home repairs. If I could only get him to use one paper towel at a time instead of 4, I'd have it all.

That's all I got for right now. Here's hoping that 2016 works out to be The Year of Us All. We deserve it.

From me, to you. XOXO

Monthly Musings: November, 2015

• What is it about little kids that makes them eat foods with a definitive top and bottom (i.e. pizza, open-faced sandwiches), upside down? #notenoughwetwipesintheworld

• After a year of potty training, I have a four year old who still resists pooping in the potty, so accidents are common around our house. Have you heard the anecdote about the kid like mine who's parents "only had to make their kid clean up the mess themselves once," and said kid never had an accident, again? Yeah, me too. Unfortunately, mine is not that kid. He thinks cleaning anything is great fun, poop included. #iwantmymoneyback

• Next to my bed is an empty cereal bowl, stuffed with a napkin, a soiled burp cloth, and a disposable diaper that I used as a burp cloth after the first one died from overuse. The best thing I can say about that is, at least it's from today. #igiveup

• Conversation in the car:
The Bud: Wook, Mama, I made this for you!
Me: I can't look right now, Bud, I'm driving. Can you tell me what it is?
The Bud: It's a heart. And it's black. #ghoulishgifts

Monthly Musings: April 2015

• Six words guaranteed to make Mama's blood pressure rise when coming from the mouth of her three year old: "Don't tell me what to do." #getsmeeverytime #threenager

• A month ago, I had a high BP scare at my prenatal appt. With my history of pre-eclampsia, there's a zero tolerance policy on anything that might signal vascular disease. I've overcome the threat so far with interventions of all kinds and things seem to be going really well. So, I tried to write about it. But what's come out so far is so raw, so full of ghosts, (not so) latent fear, and pain, that I can't bring myself to go deep enough to finish it. And I can't share it here. Not yet. Maybe I never will. 

• Rounding the bend into my 3rd trimester, I've developed a need for a regular infusion of chocolate milkshakes. I wonder if that has anything to do with me measuring 3 weeks ahead of my due date? Nah...coincidence, probably.

• The cliche that all men love showering their women with lingerie doesn't ring true around here. My man showers me with Cardinals gear. In the last month alone, The Artist has bought me 2 Cards' shirts (non-maternity, though I am politely termed, 'great with child,' and getting greater by the second), and a pair of earrings. That brings my Birds On A Bat gear total to 6, which seems like overkill, but the love behind it makes me blush. I've never been so full of team spirit. #CardinalNation

• I'm outnumbered around here, and have been for a long time. I know it, and I've mostly come to terms with it. I'll admit nursing a secret hope that Lady will help  balance the power after she's born. Be on my team. Or at least help me clean up the film of pee and peanut butter that's on all my stuff. But I've noticed lately that when The Artist talks to the ladybump, she goes nuts. Like, waaaay more nuts than when I talk to her. I'm starting to see my dreams of a ride-or-die sidekick turning to ashes. #teamdaddy #anotheronebitesthedust

• Today, I get my roots done and a trim. I've never been so excited about routine beauty maintenance before.  #thisisalmostforty #pregnantgrayhair

Monthly Musings: March 2015

• The Bud has had a thing for watching dinosaur fight scenes on YouTube for some time now, and while I think it's weird, I haven't had just cause to object to the habit. He gets regular screen time for this, within limits, of course.

It wouldn't be a problem except he's expanded his taste to videos of other kids playing with dinosaur toys (I know), and in one particular video, a dad giving commentary in the background pronounces the 'T' sound in the word T-Rex more like the 'D' sound. I think English isn't this guy's first language, but it's hard not to hold it against him, because he's got my kid doing it. After he'd already mastered the T sound! The grammar and word usage nerd in me writhes. Writhes,  I tell you! This further proves that you can't trust the Internet to educate your kids. #umm...

• I've started a campaign to convince the Y chromosome bearers in my house that eating a warm biscuit with blackberry jam, as I do, counts as a yummy dessert. It's been unconscious, but I must confess that I do it so I don't have to bake to get them the desserts they really like. #cuttingcorners

• Today, The Bud, in answer to a question from me, answered 'yes, ma'am,' for the first time. #montessorieducated

• For the last 5 minutes, I've listened from across the hall to my son working himself from fake tears for dramatic effect to actual upset over the fact that we (I) only sang one chorus of 'Jesus Loves Me' with him before night-night. Then Daddy (aka: The Bleeding Heart) came home to discover the mayhem and to save his only son from his unfeeling mother. I live in a madhouse. #overtired #bothofus

• I'm a bit tired of seeing my mail carrier on the phone every time he's in the neighborhood, especially in light of the fact that at least once a week somebody in our building plays a game of Who's Mail Is It, Anyway because the wrong mails gets put in our boxes. #switcheroo

• It doesn't seem fair that now, while I'm doing, arguably, the most womanly thing there is to do, I have developed the hair growing capacity (and patterns) of a Sasquatch. #beardedmama

• Remember that friend in high school/college (usually a guy) who, when the question of food came up, no matter the time of day or what time they'd had their last meal, responded, "I could eat"? Well, that's me now, except it's pee, not eat. (Who am I kidding? I could probably eat, too). Any given time of the day, no matter when I last went, I can always go again . Ladies, I'm a social pee-er's dream, so invite me to dinner at your favorite restaurant. You'll never go alone. #icouldgo

Monthly (2nd Half) Musings: January, 2015

• Every year, from the day after Thanksgiving to the day after Christmas, I grit my teeth through the incessant drone of Christmas music. Call me a grinch if you must, but thirty days is too long to expect me to make the yuletide gay with any sort of holiday cheer left intact at the end. I'd be just fine with a week. However, it bothers me not one bit that now, after the final carol has been sung, The Bud has started singing Jingle Bells on a continuous loop. He sings it in the car, in the bathtub, when he's supposed to be sleeping. He's a veritable one-hit wonder of fa-la-las. You'd think I'd be annoyed, but truly I could listen to it all day. Maybe I don't mind so much because when he sings it, it sounds like this: "Dassing frew duh snow...inna n-n-n-n SWEIGH! Ober duh feels we GOOO...waughing all duh WAAY!" #threebonics

 

• Today, I wore a black turtleneck sweater, black skinny jeans, and black ankle boots. Sporting my current figure, methinks I strongly resembled a California Raisin. #notagoodlook

 

• In line at the grocery store, I stood behind a man and listened to him tell the cashier that, with freezing rain and sleet in the forcast, he was there to stock up on the essentials. In his cart was the following: a 4 pack of toilet paper and 2 cases of beer. That's it. Gives new meaning to the phrase, asses and elbows. #priorities

• The Bud, two of his dinosaurs, and I sang 'What Did You Have for Breakfast, Today?' this morning. On his list was cereal-oatmeal (kidspeak, for raw oatmeal and granola in milk), turkey bacon, toast, and juice. Dino 1 had turkey bacon and milk. Dino 2? A Tyrannosaurus Rex. #hedontknowhesfunny

• If you're pregnant, do not eat a loaded grilled cheese sandwich twice in a three-day period. The side effects are...don't. Just don't.

• I love my girlfriends. These long suffering beauties are the ones who regularly submit to hearing all the stuff I consider too wildly inappropriate for my blog, yet in spite of what they know about me, they persist in answering my calls and texts. #gottagosomewhere #TMI #girlfriends

• Dear steaming hot chai latte: You're first on my mind when I wake up. I eagerly anticipate our daily commute together--it's the best part of my day. I'm so sad when our time is over, and think of you constantly all day. It's a struggle not to reach out for you in late in the day. I feel your absence keenly...#infatuationisnotdead #caffeine

• Am I the only one who struggles emotionally with whether or not to use a gift card on practical stuff I might need, like plungers? It's all my money. It all gets used. I still have to buy that plunger. Still though...I'd rather spend "work cash" on it than a gift. #sophieschoice

• When I want The Bud to do something he hates, like submit to having his nails trimmed without an epic, life-or-death struggle, I've been encouraging him to identify with his daddy, The Artist. I'll say, "hmm, Buddy, your nails are getting kinda long. It's time to clip them short, like Daddy's." He idolizes his father, so it works every time. I realized last night that this kid is actually starting to pay attention to what I say and to draw logical conclusions, when he picked up my hand and said in all seriousness, "hmm, Mommy, you nails get too wong...time clip 'em short, wike Daddy's." Then he looked up at me, expectantly. I had two choices: 1) tell him something silly and condescending like, "oh, honey, mommies can have long nails, but daddies and little boys can't!" or 2) put my money where my mouth was and cut my gorgeous, well-manicured, prenatal vitamin enhanced nails to show my boy that rules sometimes do apply to everyone, whether they be big or small. Needless to say, today my nails (while still well-manicured) are a bit stumpy. # backfire #watchwhatyousay #parenting #sniff

Monthly (Half) Musings: January 2015

Happy New Year, you gorgeous people! I hope you've had a wonderful holiday season, and that getting back to the grind hasn't been too painful. Typically, I save my Musings for the end of the month, but with only five days under my belt this month, I've already logged so many that I thought I'd split them up--giving you some at the beginning and the rest at the end of the month--you know, like bookends. Here's to getting this shiny, new year off to a great start!

• On New Year's Day alone, I was cut off and aggressively tailgated by two muscle cars--one a BMW, the other a Dodge. Dear Muscle Car Drivers: if you don't want me to believe that you're over compensating for physical and/or mental deficiencies by your choice in automobile, please do yourselves a favor and refrain from such gross vehicular infractions, particularly while driving said muscle cars. That is all.

• No matter how strong the urge, do not go #2 in a public bathroom stall that you're sharing with a 3 year old. It won't be the semi-private experience you were hoping to have, trust me. #dontaskhowiknow #atleasthewasencouraging

• We just found out baby #2 is a girl (henceforth & forever to be known in this life and on this blog as Lady, short for Ladybug), and not a moment too soon, in my view. The menfolk in my house are currently holed up in the Bud's room, watching dinosaur fight scenes on YouTube. This baby is my last ditch effort to restore some balance around these parts. #outnumbered #desperate

• Thank God (and my friend Shannon) for maternity yoga pants. #namaste

• I had my first opportunity to park in one of those 'Expectant and New Mothers' parking spots the other day. Pulling out as I waited to pull in were two women in a truck with the windows rolled up, both taking deep drags from cigarettes. The driver met my eye with a "Prove I'm not pregnant; I'd really like to see you try," gleam in hers. Now I've seen it all. #secondhandsmoke #mustnotbeshowingyet

• How long can you expect to fear a little boy peeing in your eye? If you'd asked me an hour ago, I'd have said 'until he's 3 weeks old, probably.' That's the last time mine did it to me, anyway. I've since had to adjust that date to 'forever, and most likely, today could be the day.' Because he peed in my eye today. The only emergency eyewash kit I know about is not convenient to my house. #nodignity #unclean #OSHAfail

• Another perk of a second pregnancy: there's usually somebody else tagging along with very little credibility, and who still mostly agrees with everything I say, to blame for those uncontrolled toots that slip out in public. Plus, he thinks it's hilarious, so who am I to deny him joy? #winwin #threenager #noshame

Monthly Musings: December, 2014

• The man and I have a hot date tonight, so I emptied my purse of extra ballast to travel light. The contents that I removed are as follows: a car charger, a pair of 3T undies, flushable wet wipes, an empty pill sorter, napkins from two different restaurants,  and a small plastic plate. #mombag

• A parenting hack that I read once said, 'when all else fails, put them in water.' I had no idea the same would hold true for getting a kid to poop in the potty. It never fails that 20 minutes into a bath, The Bud will jump up, demanding to go poop in the potty. This, from the kid who will do anything to avoid it any other time. It's working now, but I hope the habit doesn't hold over when he goes to college...

• W has always objected to his nom de plume on my blog. He thinks it's weird, and vaguely political. Typically, my position would be, 'get your own blog, buddy,' but I'm evolving as a person these days, so I listened to him. I never really cared for it either and it bugs me that he rarely reads anything I write, unless I make him. So, in an effort at diplomacy (and to get him to read my freaking blog, already!), I reached out to my buddies on Facebook for some nickname ideas, and got the following list: The Lion, Alice Cooper (taken), Pdaddy, The Artist formerly known as W, and Mr. BEAUjangles. You know. Because he's my beau. One reader even suggested that I go big and actually start calling him "Dubyah," but I have my pride, and frankly don't want it getting around that I'm sleeping with George W. Bush. Gossips, man...

As you can tell, I had a lot of fun with all this. :)

So it is with great fanfare that I now present to you, The Artist Formerly Known as W, or The Artist, for short. Yippee!

• That said, The Artist is getting on my nerves. I love Christmas. I love the wonder and mystery of the anticipation of Jesus' birth. I love dressing up, getting together with family and friends, and eating yummy food. I also love giving presents, but this year, he's cramping my style. All year, this man has been laying down all KINDS of hints for the perfect gifts and stocking stuffers, and I've been feverishly taking notes, cackling with glee in anticipation of his joy when he opens them. Then, when it came time to start shopping for said gifts, what does he do? He buys them himself! Everything, and I mean everything I had planned to get him, he bought for himself in the month of December. I give up. Watching him unravel my holiday planning is turning this cheerful giver into The Grinch, real quick. If he's not careful, all he'll have to open on Christmas morning is some socks and underwear. Oh, wait! Noooo...He already bought those. Grr...#hesgettingalumpofcoal

From my family to yours, Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year!

Xoxo

Monthly Musings, The Penis Edition: September 2014

Oh, September, you done me wrong...I'm so happy I don't have to see you again for 11 months. Right now, I'm doing a back handspring into a double "eff you," that's how glad I am to see you go. You were tough on me. I lost a family member, a new friend of mine lost her father, and one of The Bud's new classmates (also 3 years old) lost his Mommy. My own grief, and what I witnessed of the grief of others, brought me face to face with my own mortality. I wasn't ready for all that.You were a month of hard conversations, uncomfortable revelations, confusion, doubt, and the indisputable fact that life is just so hard, sometimes. A lot of the times. Maybe most of the times. I'm over you, you craptastic month.

I started 6 posts in September that I couldn't find the words to finish. The fog is lifting, so I'm hopeful that as I revisit each one, I'll be able to work through what my heart wants to say and that there will be something worth sharing with you all in this shiny, new month of October. The following post from the September archives has no depth or eternal value whatsoever, which is why I'm posting it, first. Enjoy!
______________________________________
Disclosure: This post is almost entirely about penises or people who have them. If you are in any way squeamish about the word penis or discussions thereof, do not read any further. If, out of morbid curiosity, you decide to ignore your better judgement and continue reading, only to find yourself disgusted, repulsed, shocked, and dismayed, remember that I did warn you. You have only yourself to blame for whatever sleep you lose after this moment. Xoxoxo!

 

• Being a mama to a little boy, I've come to terms with a general penis-fixation in my household. It started with his circumscision and went straight to the gutter from there. We've been either at war with or acting in the direct interest of our son's special purpose since the moment of his birth, when he peed all over the surgical staff in the delivery room. We can't escape it. I've accepted it. He's got us beat. #outnumbered #wheninRome

 

• The other week, The Bud was playing while wearing only undies, and his penis slipped out of the slit in his shorts. He wouldn't stop talking about it. He demanded that we each look and acknowledge (with as much dignity as we could muster) that yes, it was sticking out, yes, it was "really tall," and YES, the appropriate thing was to push it back into his shorts and commence playing with trains. #dontphasemenone

 

• Dear God: can we talk about penises and potty training for a sec? Not to criticize Your design or anything, but it seems like having one's favorite minor appendage waving at half mast while you're trying to master pooping in the potty is an unnecessary distraction. My kid certainly can't handle it. Would it be feasible to have their members drop after they've been trained? No need to decide right now. Lemme know later what you think...

 

• I just survived a mostly solo sick kid weekend when W was working. It was brutal, and culminated in a Sunday night trip to the grocery store that I most emphatically did NOT want to take. When I dragged my downtrodden body home, I was rubbernecked and waved at by two college guys in an F150. That helped. #donthate #istillgotit

 

• In the checkout line at the grocery store, my checker accidentally rang up a couple items on my bill that belonged to the guy behind me. I noticed one of them was Pedialyte popsicles. In a show of sick-kid solidarity, I half-jokingly offered to pay for them anyway. Poor guy, he was probably as frazzled as I was...Then he informed me that he did not, in fact, have a sick kid at home. He ate them all the time, he said. "They're great for hangovers." #nevermind #youreonyourownskipper

 

• Was it was Benjamin Franklin who said, "Every father hopes his son grows up to have a bigger penis than his own?" #onlythebestforjunior #thatsjustgoodparenting

Monthly Musings, August 2014

The offending ducks. One of them flipped a gang sign right before this picture was taken, I swear.

• The rubber ducky situation around here is starting to make me twitchy. Originally, he had two--snowman duck and yellow duck. Camo (aka: green) duck got added a couple of weeks ago after a sleep over with friends. Tonight, surfer duck showed up at bath time and I swear I've never seen him before. #gaslight #somethingsafoot

• Grooming is an epic struggle and if you ask me, I'm not entirely sure it's worth the drama. If I come near The Bud with soap, a comb, or a set of nail clippers, he looks at me like I'm wearing a leather mask and carrying a chainsaw. And really, at this point in his life I'm only doing this stuff to keep DFS from my doorstep, anyway. It's not like he's prepping for job interviews or anything...#rationalizations

• Happiness is finding one, last ice cream sandwich in the box, and not having to share it with anybody.

• As a new mom, I took bathtime very seriously. I had it all: the infant tub, the tearless soap, the washcloth puppets, the colored soaps, the tiny basketball hoop with the suction cups that are supposed to affix to the shower wall, but never actually do. But did he play with any of that stuff? Nope. He wanted the potato masher, his toothbrush, mommy's cell phone (caught that one in the nick of time), and the takeaway plastic cups with local bar names on them that we collected when we were cute and fun, and capable of staying up past 10 pm. #whocares

• Google is spamming me with emails about improving my erectile dysfunction, and I'll admit, it's hard not to be a tiny bit defensive about it. #missingappendage

• The other night I realized the words 'while' and 'whole' are only one letter apart, but they sound totally different. It's neither noteworthy nor interesting, but it blew my mind. I've gotta take a class or something. 

• I just tucked The Bud in for the night, kissed him, told him I loved him and to sleep well. My sincerity might've been suspect though, considering I was yelling the words at him at the time. #bedtime #mommydearest 

#gothef%$@cktosleep

Monthly Musings, July 2014

• Whether Kellogg's Frosted Flakes when I was a kid or granola and raw oatmeal as an adult, a bowl of cereal has always hit the spot. #stonerfoodaintjustforstoners

 

• Do little girls still smell like wet dogs after their baths, or is it just little boys? Or maybe just my boy? #summertime #iusesoapiswear

 

• I hate bathing/showering in a tub with a visible dirt ring. By the time The Bud's bath is done and he's tucked into bed, I am convinced that I will die of exhaustion, so I rarely (ok, never) clean the tub before I go to bed. I shower in the morning. The sound of the water running in the tub while I clean it before my shower always wakes him (an hour early), making my morning hustle a bit...hectic. #whenwillilearn #logicfail

• I took the Otter Box cover off my smart phone and found cracker/cookie crumbs, chocolate smears and what appears to be, at first glance, snot. I get it now. THIS is how 7 year olds get their parents to buy them cell phones! It takes years of calculated grossness to make an otherwise intelligent, thrifty adult drop $300 on a consumable electronic device for a person who loses or accidentally throws away his possessions approximately once a week. #hestryingtowearmedown

• White sheets are about my only incentive to wash my face before bed, and even that rarely works. #sad #lazy #wishiwasajetson

• We play a lot of hide and seek these days. Even though he knows it's us, the Bud gets so nervous the moment before we catch him that he gasps, turns and runs toward the chaser and throws out his arms for a hug. That's one way to stop a monster!

 

• The State of Indiana has a summer travel ad blitz that I've been seeing on billboards lately. It says, "Indiana: named in the top 52 places to go in 2014!" Really? Right up there with the other 49 states, DC and Puerto Rico? #hopeitsajoke #dontthinkitis #hoosiers #NYTpunk

 

• In the last month, I've caught a guy licking his window glass while watching me put on lipstick at a stoplight and most recently, I looked over to find a man dancing excitedly in his seat and smiling at me. He had noticed me dancing, clapping, and singing along to Pharrell's, Happy, with The Buddy. I'm a magnet for unwanted attention. #stoplights

 

• I'm thankful for the Jack in the Box on S. Grand. The bathroom is usually vacant and always clean and saves me the indignity of squatting over a tiny toilet at daycare. #postpartumbladder #45mincapacity #isthatathing?

 

 

Monthly Musings, May 2014

I have so many random neuron firings in a month's time, I started writing them down to chuckle over in my down time. Sharing them with you is a great way to log a blog post and not really have to do any work. Welcome to my crazy, folks.

 

Mother's Day is not relaxing or fun unless your children are grown and out of the house. Or at least able to wipe their own butts.

I'm 38 years old. I survived junior high school, puberty, and a dateless senior prom. Shouldn't I get to be done with acne and combination skin, now?

 

Why, after a nap, does my face look like it was dipped in acid while I slept, but W and The Bud always wake up looking great? #unfair #genderbias

 

How do you explain peeing in the toilet to a person who has successfully mastered (and prefers) the "pay while you play" method of excretion?

 

I don't know where I'd be without the women in my life.

 

Do guys really think no one can see them pick their noses when they're in their cars? #commuterquestions

 

I don't think I've ever been this tired. EVER. #workingmamaproblems

 

I think morning breath is a tongue's cry for help. #whatdiedinthere?

 

A friend said she needed a wife to help her with all the things. #genius #iwantonetoo

 

I'm driving W's SUV right now. It's high off the ground. I am not. I am, however, always in a hurry. A vehicle I have to polevault into, a hurry, and a pencil skirt do not mix. #dollarstoresewingkitssuck #okmysewingsucks

 

The gas for said SUV is expensive but the 6-cd changer and subwoofers are badass. #tradeoff #formoverfunction

 

Can a court jester and a goddess inhabit the same form? Obviously!