Whenever I Can Fit It In

I know.

It's been more than a month since I did one of these. But, you guys, the month of May was so not my fave. First, I (stupidly, and against my will) turned 40. And that's not even the worst thing that happened last month.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

A couple of good things did happen, like both The Bud and Lady had birthdays, so now I have a five year old and a one year old. A kindergartener and a toddler. *sniff* Work had its good and not-so-good moments. Life keeps tripping by, some days, sorely trying my patience and mental fortitude.

Anyway, that's my list of excuses. What I have for you today is some musing, mingled in with some life bloopers, if you will. Enjoy.😚

• Today, I discovered that I'd been wearing one of my shirts backwards since I bought it six months ago. It fits much better the new way.

• I discovered that a lone (but powerfully effective) dingleberry--yes, it's what you think I mean--got washed and dried in a load of laundry. You know the saying, "One bad apple doesn't spoil the whole bunch,"?

One dingleberry does. It really does.

• The other day, I had the thought that if I could invent a pair of women's underwear that kept in line that tiny front butt that shows up sometime after the 2nd kid, without cutting off circulation to one's outer extremities, but that wasn't so flimsy the undies constantly roll down below said front butt, I'd be a millionaire. Then I realized I'd never get around to fleshing out the idea. No pun intended. I'd get distracted trying to inobtrusively (is it in or un??) roll my current underwear back over my tiny front butt while in line someplace inappropriate. Like Starbucks, H&M, the office, or if I'm honest with myself, anyplace outside my personal bathroom.

• I am completely over post-partum boobs. They were a novelty for a while, but now I just really need my shirts to fit.

• If the newborn is now a year old, can I still call them post-partum boobs?

• My five year old is learning how to deal gracefully with disappointment. I don't have the heart to tell him he'll still be working on that in 35 years. Seems mean.

Monthly Musings: April, 2016

It's a springtime miracle: I'm posting a list of 'Musings' in the month in which I gathered my muse!  Better get crackin' before I forget what I'm thinking about (which happens WAY more than I'm comfortable admitting to you).
_________________________________

• I spend entirely too much of my daily parenting, lately, teaching my man-cub not to fart in my breathing space. #boyslife

• Currently, I'm not the favorite of either of my children. They want Daddy for just about everything, so why am I still so freaking tired all the time? #littlechildren

• I'm "outgrowing," for lack of a better word, my all-for-the-kids parenting phase. I've started to seek out ways and moments to be away from my children, which isn't all bad. It's kind of refreshing, actually. What it means for you, though, is you really don't want to answer my phone calls or texts right now: I'm probably looking for a sitter. #youbusyonfriday?

• The other day, I was complaining to my mom about The Bud's unwillingness to participate in the $85 soccer camp we (I) signed him up for this Spring. Her answer? "That's sounds like you at his age."

M'kay.

I'll ignore the not-so-subtle retributive glee from my mother and, instead, try to find a bright side in my own parenting future. So he hates rules, right now. There's still a chance he'll turn out alright in the end, right? This will have to be my solace. If we let him live, that is. #only3moreweekstogo #i hate heartsoccer

"Monthly" Musings: April 2016

° Today, I decided I liked the degree symbol better than a standard bullet point, so all of my muses will be in farenheit...fairenheit. Farenhiet. Ok, Celcius.

° The Bud is still having occasional pooping difficulties, but we've found a great deal of relief for him in thrice-daily doses of prune juice. His beloved 'purple juice' is keeping him as close to regular and pain-free as I've seen him since we started potty training a year and a half ago. Sugar content, bedamned.

° We have relatively laid back kids, but I swear they turn on us when either Mama or Daddy is parenting alone. The little buggers already know about the weakness of zone defense.  #divideandconquer

° I read somewhere that doing a daily crossword puzzle can improve memory in Alzheimer's sufferers, so now I've got 3 games of Words With Friends going on my phone. I'm hoping it works for mamas, too. #cantrememberwhereileftmymemory

° The book, 'Are You My Mother' is 63 pages long, and is currently The Bud's favorite bedtime story, particularly on nights when I'm exhausted and just want him to go to bed, so I can go to bed. And he knows when I skip pages.

Really, P. D. Eastman?

° Speaking of memory loss, the next couple posts will be from my drafts backlog. Apparently in the last six months or so I've been writing stuff but forgetting to publish what I wrote. #whatever

Monthly Musings: July 2015

• Recently, I had the bright idea to make the (literal) first time I took both of my kids anywhere by myself be to take them to visit my family in my home town. It only took listening to my newborn scream for 20 minutes while I drove down the highway unable to make it stop on the first day, and The Bud puking all over me for 6 hours straight in the middle of the night on the last day, to decide never to leave the house alone with them, again. #whatwasithinking

• Loneliness is holding your puking (and resisting) preschooler over the toilet by the scruff of the neck with one hand, while nursing your newborn in the other, at 3 am. #calgontakemeaway

• The tag on a prescription I recently got filled for Lady had her name on the box sticker, in quotation marks. What, do the pharmacists think, she's a tiny, squalling figment of our imaginations? #idontgetit #misplacedquotationmarks

• Motherhood: eating the discarded crusts of someone else's bread for breakfast and calling it 'toast' since the beginning of time. 😝

• Newborn motto: we cry more before 5 am than most people (except our parents) do all day. #beallthatyoucanbe

• Daddy's Jobs:
1. Wrestling with the big kid, upon request.
2. Eating said kid's leftover cereal every day. #wastenotwantnot #gladidonthavetodoit

• I took a trip to the mall with The Artist today. It was so exciting, it felt like a field trip. I was so tired when we got home that I fell asleep sitting in a chair, clutching my phone in my hand, upright. I'm obviously not getting out enough. #babysteps

• The Bud came to me in distress, asking where his Diplodycus was. I was stumped, since I don't make it a habit either to play with, or to lose, his toys. So I said I didn't know, to which he replied, "it's in the fire engine!" #naturalconsequences #ifyouknewallalongwhydidyouaskme

• I love, I mean simply LOVE, HGTV. #fixerupper #DIYordie😍😍

• I don't know about yours, but my newborn has now slept almost 5 hrs in a row between nightime feedings, on two, non-consecutive days. #prodigy #gettingexcited #itsthelittlethings

Monthly (2nd Half) Musings: January, 2015

• Every year, from the day after Thanksgiving to the day after Christmas, I grit my teeth through the incessant drone of Christmas music. Call me a grinch if you must, but thirty days is too long to expect me to make the yuletide gay with any sort of holiday cheer left intact at the end. I'd be just fine with a week. However, it bothers me not one bit that now, after the final carol has been sung, The Bud has started singing Jingle Bells on a continuous loop. He sings it in the car, in the bathtub, when he's supposed to be sleeping. He's a veritable one-hit wonder of fa-la-las. You'd think I'd be annoyed, but truly I could listen to it all day. Maybe I don't mind so much because when he sings it, it sounds like this: "Dassing frew duh snow...inna n-n-n-n SWEIGH! Ober duh feels we GOOO...waughing all duh WAAY!" #threebonics

 

• Today, I wore a black turtleneck sweater, black skinny jeans, and black ankle boots. Sporting my current figure, methinks I strongly resembled a California Raisin. #notagoodlook

 

• In line at the grocery store, I stood behind a man and listened to him tell the cashier that, with freezing rain and sleet in the forcast, he was there to stock up on the essentials. In his cart was the following: a 4 pack of toilet paper and 2 cases of beer. That's it. Gives new meaning to the phrase, asses and elbows. #priorities

• The Bud, two of his dinosaurs, and I sang 'What Did You Have for Breakfast, Today?' this morning. On his list was cereal-oatmeal (kidspeak, for raw oatmeal and granola in milk), turkey bacon, toast, and juice. Dino 1 had turkey bacon and milk. Dino 2? A Tyrannosaurus Rex. #hedontknowhesfunny

• If you're pregnant, do not eat a loaded grilled cheese sandwich twice in a three-day period. The side effects are...don't. Just don't.

• I love my girlfriends. These long suffering beauties are the ones who regularly submit to hearing all the stuff I consider too wildly inappropriate for my blog, yet in spite of what they know about me, they persist in answering my calls and texts. #gottagosomewhere #TMI #girlfriends

• Dear steaming hot chai latte: You're first on my mind when I wake up. I eagerly anticipate our daily commute together--it's the best part of my day. I'm so sad when our time is over, and think of you constantly all day. It's a struggle not to reach out for you in late in the day. I feel your absence keenly...#infatuationisnotdead #caffeine

• Am I the only one who struggles emotionally with whether or not to use a gift card on practical stuff I might need, like plungers? It's all my money. It all gets used. I still have to buy that plunger. Still though...I'd rather spend "work cash" on it than a gift. #sophieschoice

• When I want The Bud to do something he hates, like submit to having his nails trimmed without an epic, life-or-death struggle, I've been encouraging him to identify with his daddy, The Artist. I'll say, "hmm, Buddy, your nails are getting kinda long. It's time to clip them short, like Daddy's." He idolizes his father, so it works every time. I realized last night that this kid is actually starting to pay attention to what I say and to draw logical conclusions, when he picked up my hand and said in all seriousness, "hmm, Mommy, you nails get too wong...time clip 'em short, wike Daddy's." Then he looked up at me, expectantly. I had two choices: 1) tell him something silly and condescending like, "oh, honey, mommies can have long nails, but daddies and little boys can't!" or 2) put my money where my mouth was and cut my gorgeous, well-manicured, prenatal vitamin enhanced nails to show my boy that rules sometimes do apply to everyone, whether they be big or small. Needless to say, today my nails (while still well-manicured) are a bit stumpy. # backfire #watchwhatyousay #parenting #sniff

Monthly (Half) Musings: January 2015

Happy New Year, you gorgeous people! I hope you've had a wonderful holiday season, and that getting back to the grind hasn't been too painful. Typically, I save my Musings for the end of the month, but with only five days under my belt this month, I've already logged so many that I thought I'd split them up--giving you some at the beginning and the rest at the end of the month--you know, like bookends. Here's to getting this shiny, new year off to a great start!

• On New Year's Day alone, I was cut off and aggressively tailgated by two muscle cars--one a BMW, the other a Dodge. Dear Muscle Car Drivers: if you don't want me to believe that you're over compensating for physical and/or mental deficiencies by your choice in automobile, please do yourselves a favor and refrain from such gross vehicular infractions, particularly while driving said muscle cars. That is all.

• No matter how strong the urge, do not go #2 in a public bathroom stall that you're sharing with a 3 year old. It won't be the semi-private experience you were hoping to have, trust me. #dontaskhowiknow #atleasthewasencouraging

• We just found out baby #2 is a girl (henceforth & forever to be known in this life and on this blog as Lady, short for Ladybug), and not a moment too soon, in my view. The menfolk in my house are currently holed up in the Bud's room, watching dinosaur fight scenes on YouTube. This baby is my last ditch effort to restore some balance around these parts. #outnumbered #desperate

• Thank God (and my friend Shannon) for maternity yoga pants. #namaste

• I had my first opportunity to park in one of those 'Expectant and New Mothers' parking spots the other day. Pulling out as I waited to pull in were two women in a truck with the windows rolled up, both taking deep drags from cigarettes. The driver met my eye with a "Prove I'm not pregnant; I'd really like to see you try," gleam in hers. Now I've seen it all. #secondhandsmoke #mustnotbeshowingyet

• How long can you expect to fear a little boy peeing in your eye? If you'd asked me an hour ago, I'd have said 'until he's 3 weeks old, probably.' That's the last time mine did it to me, anyway. I've since had to adjust that date to 'forever, and most likely, today could be the day.' Because he peed in my eye today. The only emergency eyewash kit I know about is not convenient to my house. #nodignity #unclean #OSHAfail

• Another perk of a second pregnancy: there's usually somebody else tagging along with very little credibility, and who still mostly agrees with everything I say, to blame for those uncontrolled toots that slip out in public. Plus, he thinks it's hilarious, so who am I to deny him joy? #winwin #threenager #noshame

Monthly Musings: December, 2014

• The man and I have a hot date tonight, so I emptied my purse of extra ballast to travel light. The contents that I removed are as follows: a car charger, a pair of 3T undies, flushable wet wipes, an empty pill sorter, napkins from two different restaurants,  and a small plastic plate. #mombag

• A parenting hack that I read once said, 'when all else fails, put them in water.' I had no idea the same would hold true for getting a kid to poop in the potty. It never fails that 20 minutes into a bath, The Bud will jump up, demanding to go poop in the potty. This, from the kid who will do anything to avoid it any other time. It's working now, but I hope the habit doesn't hold over when he goes to college...

• W has always objected to his nom de plume on my blog. He thinks it's weird, and vaguely political. Typically, my position would be, 'get your own blog, buddy,' but I'm evolving as a person these days, so I listened to him. I never really cared for it either and it bugs me that he rarely reads anything I write, unless I make him. So, in an effort at diplomacy (and to get him to read my freaking blog, already!), I reached out to my buddies on Facebook for some nickname ideas, and got the following list: The Lion, Alice Cooper (taken), Pdaddy, The Artist formerly known as W, and Mr. BEAUjangles. You know. Because he's my beau. One reader even suggested that I go big and actually start calling him "Dubyah," but I have my pride, and frankly don't want it getting around that I'm sleeping with George W. Bush. Gossips, man...

As you can tell, I had a lot of fun with all this. :)

So it is with great fanfare that I now present to you, The Artist Formerly Known as W, or The Artist, for short. Yippee!

• That said, The Artist is getting on my nerves. I love Christmas. I love the wonder and mystery of the anticipation of Jesus' birth. I love dressing up, getting together with family and friends, and eating yummy food. I also love giving presents, but this year, he's cramping my style. All year, this man has been laying down all KINDS of hints for the perfect gifts and stocking stuffers, and I've been feverishly taking notes, cackling with glee in anticipation of his joy when he opens them. Then, when it came time to start shopping for said gifts, what does he do? He buys them himself! Everything, and I mean everything I had planned to get him, he bought for himself in the month of December. I give up. Watching him unravel my holiday planning is turning this cheerful giver into The Grinch, real quick. If he's not careful, all he'll have to open on Christmas morning is some socks and underwear. Oh, wait! Noooo...He already bought those. Grr...#hesgettingalumpofcoal

From my family to yours, Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year!

Xoxo

Monthly Musings, July 2014

• Whether Kellogg's Frosted Flakes when I was a kid or granola and raw oatmeal as an adult, a bowl of cereal has always hit the spot. #stonerfoodaintjustforstoners

 

• Do little girls still smell like wet dogs after their baths, or is it just little boys? Or maybe just my boy? #summertime #iusesoapiswear

 

• I hate bathing/showering in a tub with a visible dirt ring. By the time The Bud's bath is done and he's tucked into bed, I am convinced that I will die of exhaustion, so I rarely (ok, never) clean the tub before I go to bed. I shower in the morning. The sound of the water running in the tub while I clean it before my shower always wakes him (an hour early), making my morning hustle a bit...hectic. #whenwillilearn #logicfail

• I took the Otter Box cover off my smart phone and found cracker/cookie crumbs, chocolate smears and what appears to be, at first glance, snot. I get it now. THIS is how 7 year olds get their parents to buy them cell phones! It takes years of calculated grossness to make an otherwise intelligent, thrifty adult drop $300 on a consumable electronic device for a person who loses or accidentally throws away his possessions approximately once a week. #hestryingtowearmedown

• White sheets are about my only incentive to wash my face before bed, and even that rarely works. #sad #lazy #wishiwasajetson

• We play a lot of hide and seek these days. Even though he knows it's us, the Bud gets so nervous the moment before we catch him that he gasps, turns and runs toward the chaser and throws out his arms for a hug. That's one way to stop a monster!

 

• The State of Indiana has a summer travel ad blitz that I've been seeing on billboards lately. It says, "Indiana: named in the top 52 places to go in 2014!" Really? Right up there with the other 49 states, DC and Puerto Rico? #hopeitsajoke #dontthinkitis #hoosiers #NYTpunk

 

• In the last month, I've caught a guy licking his window glass while watching me put on lipstick at a stoplight and most recently, I looked over to find a man dancing excitedly in his seat and smiling at me. He had noticed me dancing, clapping, and singing along to Pharrell's, Happy, with The Buddy. I'm a magnet for unwanted attention. #stoplights

 

• I'm thankful for the Jack in the Box on S. Grand. The bathroom is usually vacant and always clean and saves me the indignity of squatting over a tiny toilet at daycare. #postpartumbladder #45mincapacity #isthatathing?